Passion... enticing... entangling... reaching, burning, seeking... tendrils of emotional wrapping around and immersing one's senses into the depths of oblivion... no other thought... no other feeling... the intensity of lust...
This is going to be blunt and it’s going to step on a lot of toes but it’s crucial that those who truly wish to follow God come back to this truth.
One of the toughest teachings in scripture for modern US culture is abstaining from sexual immorality. Secularism has so invaded the church that the importance of this teaching has been lost and yet it is vital to our relationship with God. I’ve learned the hard way just how important it is.
Although there are many, many verses about it, the fact that sexual immorality is condemned in scripture can be shown with just two passages. The first is 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8: “It is God’s will that you should… avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins…For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” The second is John 3:36: “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.”
“Avoid” can have a bit of an easy-going meaning in modern culture. But according to Strong’s Greek Dictionary, the word here means “to hold back, keep off, to be away, be distant” (568) which is in line with 1 Corinthians 6:18 which uses the word “flee.”
What is sexual immorality? The Bible teaches that all passion and lust outside of a marriage between a man and a woman is sexual immorality. Adultery and sexual immorality are both listed in Matthew 15:19, Mark 7:20-22, and 1 Corinthians 5:11, homosexuality is added to the other two in 1 Corinthians 6:9 and listed separately from sexual immorality in 1 Timothy 1:10. Colossians 3:5 separates sexual immorality, impurity and lust. Sex is to be between a husband and a wife (1 Corinthians 7:2) and if we are not married we are to treat each other with absolute purity as if we were immediate family members (1 Timothy 5:2). This is so important Paul says “there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality” (Ephesians 5:3).
Many people both Christian and non-Christian consider this teaching outdated and repressive. But it’s actually the opposite. The truest and most liberating freedom, the deepest and most profound joy and peace, come from complete and total intimacy with God. And sexual immorality blocks intimacy with God. I know this because I’ve experienced it. I know what it’s like to be trapped in sexual immorality and what it’s like to escape from it.
Sexual relations with someone, whether it’s a lot of passion without “going all the way” or the total act, releases chemicals in the brain that creates an intense experience. There is no sin more capable of artificially filling the place in our soul that is designed to be filled by God. There is no sin that can overwhelm the body and emotions so thoroughly and effectively with long lasting effects. There is no behavior more capable of distracting us from God and creating a bandaid effect that hides distance or disconnection between us and God.
Sex was designed by God to create total unity between a man and a woman. The completion of the act makes them one flesh. The whole point is to exemplify the oneness with God that we were created for. One God, one union. Every time we have sex with someone, we give them a part of our soul. We give them a piece of who we are. But men and women are incomplete souls without God. He is the tie that binds us together. So every time we join with someone outside of God’s plan, we are forcing together two parts without the glue that makes them whole.
There is a good reason the Bible uses the word flee for sexual immorality. The draw of physical intimacy is extremely powerful. ANY action that begins to trigger the libido creates a chemical response that makes the body desire more. What triggers a person varies from person to person. Some people are fine with a simple kiss. Some are triggered by just that. Once the libido is triggered, the mind is immediately distracted from its surroundings and guidelines. The standards one creates outside of passion feel less important when it is aroused. The more one engages in experiences that trigger that passion, the harder it is to resist. (As is described in Ephesians 4:17b-19a.)
When the draw of sexual passion becomes powerful enough it either enhances an emotional connection that is already there, or it creates a false connection that seems real but is literally just a chemical addiction. When this connection does not result in a lifetime together, the separation has a lasting and irreparable devastating effect on the mind and soul. And though God can bring healing, the scars never go away. There is a part of that connection that can never be broken.
And it’s not just the full act of sex. It was really hard in the beginning to physically commit to a celibate life but 5 years ago I did it. But I was still sexually immoral. I still gave into the draw of passion and I was very codependent. Later I met someone I loved so much that my desire for the strongest relationship possible was so powerful that I started strong. I could have waited until our wedding day for the first kiss. But he didn’t have the same strength and I wasn’t strong enough at that time in my life to resist the temptation to be more intimate even though I was absolute about not “going all the way.” Over 2 ½ years our relationship became more and more intense until it reached the point where I was so caught up in the emotions I would have married him without seeking counsel had he asked.
I fought to hand our relationship over to God. I knew that the only way I could be strong was to press into God more and more. After resisting for a while, I had given in to the temptation of initiating immoral behavior at times. I grew to the point where not only did I never do anything to entice him, I became stronger and stronger at insisting we resist it. But the draw for intimacy was so powerful I longed for him to ask me to marry him so we could be completely physically united. And because of the intoxication of the sexual intimacy, even without the final step, I was completely unaware that his growth wasn’t just slower than mine, it was non-existent. He had fallen into a sinful life I was not aware of to fill what was missing from his relationship with God.
Sexual intimacy blinds us to the faults of the other person. And not just faults. We can miss huge character flaws and even just a mismatch. Not all bad relationships are bad because there is something bad about one or both people. People are like puzzle pieces. Some fit together closer than others. When two people that get along well don’t fit in their likes and dislikes, life goals, and lifestyles it can create huge friction. Some examples are if one person is a little messy and the other is a neat freak, if one person loves to socialize but the other is a homebody, if one person wants to homeschool the kids and the other wants public school, or if one person wants to be a foreign missionary and the other one hates to travel. Sometimes it just creates an extraordinarily tough relationship and sometimes it breaks it completely.
We are designed to be one with God. There is a part of us that can only be fully filled by God. If that does not happen, there is an emptiness and darkness in our soul that nothing will ever fix. Sexual intimacy outside of God’s design masks that emptiness and darkness and gives an illusion of joy and peace. But it is such a pale shadow of what it is like to be in deep intimacy with God that it is like trying to see a shadow of a tree on a cloudy day. I know this because I’ve been there and I’ve escaped.
The incredible joy, satisfaction and fullness that can be found in God can be so powerful that one can be happier in a celibate life than with a partner if they truly hand their heart and emotions to God. And not just happier, but INCREDIBLY happier!
I gave up the one I delighted in most in life, the one who I connected with and enjoyed being around the most of anyone in the world for God. When I found out he was not following God, I walked away. It was one of the two most devastating times of my life. It is a grief I will never fully heal from. Our connection was so beautiful and so powerful that I feel like a part of my heart is in a constant living death.
But when I chose to fully hand over my life to God I was filled with the most inexpressible joy and peace I have ever experienced. It was nearly unbearably hard in the beginning. But the longer I walk in that obedience and the closer I grow to God, the easier it gets. Not because the pain lessens. But because the joy and peace are so amazing and overpowering that the pain is buried in the delight. It still haunts me at times. Sometimes for days. But it happens less and less often.
The thing most people miss these days when they try to find this peace and joy is TOTAL obedience. Everything written in the Bible is designed for our best. In this broken world we argue with it and don’t see it, but when we choose to act on it out of a love relationship with God, we find it. And the crucial part is it cannot be done through obedience out of fear. It cannot be done to avoid the negative consequences. Fear is not powerful enough to overcome sexual immorality. Fear can help, but it’s not enough. It has to be done out of love.
It must be done as if we are preparing for marriage because that’s basically what we are doing. We who chose to follow Christ are in a divine romance. We must work at it just as we do human relationships. And if we have lost ourselves in sexual immorality, then we must work at it like we would work toward a marriage with someone we truly loved after repenting of adultery. Then, and only then, will we triumph.
One of the hardest things we must do in order to overcome sexual immorality is walk away from those who are involved in it. Not just those we were involved with, but also those who are involved in it with other people. The Bible flat out commands it in 1 Corinthians 5:11: “You must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral ... Do not even eat with such people.”
Being in the lives of those who are sexually immoral enables their behavior and allows them to influence you. Even if you have the strength to resist them, the pheromones given off by someone with sexual desire has a powerful effect on both the body and the emotions. Continually exposure affects the programming of the brain. And if it is someone you have been involved with, it not only makes it far harder to remain pure if they are not, it also makes it far harder for your heart to move on. The more your heart is entangled in them, the more darkness you will have within.
That was the final step for me. I had ignored the Bible verses on dissociation for many different reasons and excuses. From the time I first started being “a little bit” sexually immoral and losing myself in friendship with people who did not follow God, whether they claimed to be Christians or not, I had descended into a darkness that lingered no matter how close to God I became. After I chose celibacy I grew in strength and commitment and had a level of peace and joy within that darkness, but it wasn’t until I chose to completely cut out those who were being sexually immoral in my life that the incredible flood of joy and peace filled me.
I was filling my heart with people instead of God. Now I have escaped the darkness and found such true freedom that no thing or person in this world can come even close to filling me with the rich and beautiful fulness of the presence of God. And although I still struggle with the depression, grief, and sadness that come with this broken word, the presence of God in my life has filled me with such contentment that I am more satisfied even when I am alone and friendless than I ever was in any friendship or relationship.
One more thought before I close. The other part of sexual purity that can revolutionize our lives is having it in a relationship. The more I handed my sexuality to God and the more I resisted the lust in the relationship I mentioned, the more incredible a connection I had with him. The part of it I had handed over to God was growing into something so pure and beautiful it truly was a reflection of intimacy with God. A relationship given to God that stays truly pure until marriage creates one of the most exquisite experiences of this life.
We will never be completely free of darkness in this life. But we can experience such peace and joy that we overcome the darkness and are not controlled by it. The closer our relationship with God is, the deeper our intimacy, the less control the darkness has over us. And the deeper our intimacy, the more incredible our peace and joy.
For a complete list of New Testament verses on sexual immorality see https://shondalaesblog.wixsite.com/shondalae/items-1/sexual-immorality-references
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